tears · are · filling · up · there · glasses

where the fuck am i supposed to go?

first sitting!

new beginings!

i am doing really freaking well.
its awesome.
and about time.

andrew and i are great.
friends are great.
got a promotion at a job i realllllly like.

im just doing really really well.

not to jinx anything.

tonight is copeland. im excited to see everyone.

there are so many things that make perfect sense.

how i've always said how God plan for me is a spiderweb of twists and turns. each path has a different purpose, and would play a different role.

and its so true.

the talk last night still breaks my heart, the potential between the two of us is amazing, but knowing that timing is key.
for 9 months i can look back and not remember what i thought, felt...what conclusions i came to and how i came to them.
i shouldnt have been in a relationship. because i was so unstable. 
which is why my best friend and someone who was so much more, was never treated like i know im capable.

i look at now.
how if i hadnt ended it how i wouldnt be here.
i think so much about linzey.. how my life here has fufilled me for the first time in my life.
how this is where i need to be. this is my family and my  home.

i think about the first round of appeals and how it killed me not to be there. and how thankful i am to be by her side through this.

i have clarity in my life. which is why i know this is where im supposed to be.

i suppose that why i feel im ready to get into a relationship. everything else is clear. nothing has ever made as much sense. 
i have no idea what to do about school. about finances. but im not stressed. 
i have hope and peace.

God had a plan for me. and it was to be here. and nothing made else made sense.

" God knew what he was doing from the very begininng. he decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his son. we see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him.."
romans 8:29

im furthest from my sanity when im furthest from my lord.


i was called to love. and to serve.

its funny how when im giving to others i feel most at peace and happy.

rachel i am reposting an entry you wrote 2 years ago because its just that amazing an appropriate.


For those of you who have read my journal for a while,

you probably know that my moods tend to fluctuate like the weather.

Generally they follow some of the same patterns, but rarely will their inconsistancies be beneficial.

I've gone through a lot of psychotic times,
where I've been plagued with anxiety, fear, lonliness,
panic, anger, you name it.

But the trend is simple.

I'm the farthest away from sanity
when I'm the farthest away from my Lord.

The problems that we're facing aren't so bad because we are dying, and in so much pain we don't want to live.
The problems that we face are because we're not living rightly bound to Jesus Christ.

I'd convinced myself that church attendence isn't necessary.
I can get enough of Jesus from reading the Bible on my own, and praying with friends.
Well folks, while this is a good theory,
the truth is that on our own we lack structure.

I lack structure.
This is my story, this is my song.
I want you to know this, that it might benefit your walk with the Lord.

Some of you might think I'm off my rocker anyway, because I've definitely done my share of sinning.
You may have even sinned right along with me bless your heart.
But God is a God of Forgiveness.
He's a God of Goodness.
He's a God of Mercy and Grace.

He doesn't remember our sins.
Does that not astound you?

How precious is the flow that makes us white as snow.

If you want a change in your life, you've got to take some steps to get there.
But it's all worth it. Every step.

Every thought taken captive, every destructive relationship severed, every bad habit given up to the Lord.
Those steps ARE necessary. I know a lot of you think they're not.
You can't go around as a sick christian, trying to take care of other sick christians on your own terms, because you're all contagious to one another.
We drag eachother down when we're just trying to have fellowship with believers.
Do you know why this is?
Because we're full of crap. We're full of hurts and pains and sins and unhealed scrapes and bruises, and NOBODY can help us, save for The Great Physician: Jesus Christ.

I don't even care to beat around the bush anymore people.
This is how it is.
This is how we need to live.
We have a high calling on our lives as Christians.

You've got to rise up out of mediocrity, and run boldly to the throne of grace

You know you'd rather be happy.
You know you'd rather be living a fulfilling life.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE ASIDE FROM YOUR MISERABLE PURPOSELESS LIFE?!

I'm not trying to condemn anyone, but to encourage you.
For those of you who know the Lord our God, rise up and take your place in active pursuit of Him.

Stop mocking other Christians when you know them not.
Stop mocking televangelists, crazy as some of them might be, unless you hear them with your ears, and discern with your heart what they say to be false.


You need to get fed.
and you know it.


Get into a church.

I don't care if it's not the best church.
No church is perfect.
Seek the Lord.
Seek Him, I urge you, you're more precious to Him than you know. Let Him love you.
Let Him use you. Be an empty vessel, and let Him fill you.

Get around other Christians.
Get out of your comfort zone,
and live for Christ.

Because you've got nothing to lose
and everything to gain.
He loves you.
He loves you.

yankees. tonight. you shamed me.